Despite the hard work of the fine folks at the DMV I think most of us can agree that a few fellow citizens of questionable driving ability continue to slip through the otherwise rigorous vetting process. So in a spirit of community I offer, for absolutely no charge, a few questions to be added to the already ample, yet some how still deficient, written section of the driving exam. These questions have been culled from common, everyday, real life, driving experiences and should help to separate the wheat from the chaff, so to speak. Since you’re already here why not take the test and see how you do? Good luck.

• What are you, some kind of an idiot?
• Yes – The Department of Motor Vehicles would like to thank you for participating in this exam and suggest you try again at a later date.
• No – Please continue to question (2)

• Where the heck did you learn how to drive?
• I picked it up on the streets - The Department of Motor Vehicles would like to thank you for participating in this exam and suggest you try again at a later date.
• From the ACME “Safe Way” Driving School. A nationally recognized leader in preparing drivers for the challenging conditions of our nations highways and byways. – Please continue to question (3)

• Are you out of your mind?
• Yes – The Department of Motor Vehicles truly appreciates your participation and application fee and encourages you to test often. Coincidentally we are offering a 2 for 3 special this month. For your convenience you may purchase up to 10 tests at a time.
• No – Are you sure?
• Yes – You may continue
• No – Individual counseling is available, at an additional charge, to help you prepare for this exam.

• Do you experience any of the following while driving: coughing, sneezing, shortness of breath, aching joints, constipation, diarrhea, dizziness, uncontrollable rage, heart palpitations, nausea, night terrors?
• Yes to any of the above – That sucks.
• No to all of the above – Apparently you haven’t been paying attention to some of the idiots who somehow got licenses.

• Does the fact that some objects may be smaller than they appear in the passenger side mirror make you feel inadequate?
• Yes – May we refer you to the Department of Mental Health?
• No – Either you have acceptable levels of self-esteem or feel better about yourself than you reasonably should. Continue to question (6) but proceed with caution

• Have you ever had intimate relations with someone you know while driving
• Yes - What are you nuts?
• No – You exhibit an admirable degree of responsibility despite your otherwise wonton nature.

• Have you had intimate relations with someone you don’t know while driving?
• Yes – May we refer you to the Department of Public Health?
• No – Have you ever thought about it? Come on be honest now.

• Are you an illegal alien?
• Yes – We’re terribly sorry but due to the recent decrease in the popularity of illegal aliens we are not able to serve you at this time. We can however refer your case, as a convenience to you, to the Immigration and Naturalization Service (Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing). May we also recommend visiting the Department of Labor? A career in the fast paced and exciting domestic help industry is waiting for you. Or may we suggest the lucrative area of farm laborer? There is always plenty of fresh air and opportunities to network with other folks of similar status.
• No – We’ll be the judge of that. We suggest you don’t leave the area until your background check is complete.

• Do you feel entitled to pass on a solid yellow line on a right hand bend?
• Yes – What if everybody thought like you did? What kind of world would that be? Please go home and try and grow up a little, will you?
• No – Almost there. Try not to screw it up on the next question.

• Do you believe that our highway system is a communal space that functions best when we all work together to promote a safe and pleasant driving experience?
• Yes – Congratulations. You have passed the minimum qualifications to operate a motor vehicle. Remember, driving is a privilege not a right and can be taken away at any time.
• No – What are you, some kind of an idiot?